Mind you, my life has vastly improved at a substantial rate the last few years. But for awhile there I just didn't want to get the fuck out of bed and if I did get out then all I'd want to do all day is crawl back in and wait for my sub conscious mind to make acid dream fairy tales for me. For a few years I was in alot of pain from an old neck injury and it all escalated to the point where I tried to quit my job and could only work 1 or 2 days a week at one point. Even then I'd be down and out with massive migraines, popping panamax candy pills 3 times a day and relying on a steady supply of vodka to help me forget how much I hurt and to help me sleep.
I was not good company at this time. My husband is a brave man but sometimes I think I really exhausted him. Thank god I have alternatives like work husband (Joe), cat husband (Crunchie), rooster husband (Little Boy) and chiropractor husband (Ryan).
Thank the gods that my chiropractor fixed me, after months and months of treatment that started at twice a week and are now once a month; finally! I'm super excited to be testing my strength as of late and was able to haul dead trees around the property last weekend, carry 25 kilo bags of chook feed and carry in the gas bottles, all without screaming "JARRAD!" Which became Connie and Fiona's favorite line before they left for Gingin :P
Anyways, I went to my doctor to be taken off of the sleep aid/pain killer/mild anti depressant (Endep) that she'd put me on and asked for a real anti depressant. Going off of Endep was a step in the right direction as I found out that it was keeping me from really being awake at all. I felt groggy and depressed for the first 6 hours of every day and while it did help me communicate more, it was only really effective for the last half of the day. So I went off of it with my new script in hand and waited for the drug to wear totally out of my system, taking about two or three weeks where I developed an awful stutter as a side effect of coming down.
So did I really need an anti depressant? I didn't want to and became quite stubborn to the idea as I came more and more into myself. So I'm naturally shy and a modest, moral, yes-man. I've been making the point to become the loudest, most out-spoken and most sure of myself person that I can be. Baby steps here, baby steps.
So I sit here with an unopened white box of Escitalopram next to me. It feels like a small victory to me. I feel like I'm growing into myself. Growing up to be the person that I am meant to be.
Alot of people ask me why I don't go to school and don't I want to be a teacher or doctor or a lawyer? These are not the things I wanted to be when I grew up. When I was growing up I wanted to be safe, married to someone I loved with my own house and a big backyard and have lots of animals. Guess the fuck what?
I have everything I've ever wanted. Even if I don't have some crazy glamorous life style I feel like I'm living the dream here. Surrounded by too many highly flammable trees and way too much chicken shit.
|Up at 7 AM from all the racket, the chickens watch as I pour my morning coffee.|
^Chickens are nature's anti deppresant^
|Oosker (Oscar) and his girls.|
|I put the plastic egg in there and a week later they seem to get the point.|
|Lady's first eggs, waiting for the incubator.|
|Me trying to drive Jarrad out of his mind :)|
^Living with other people is also an awesome anti depressant^
(Especially when they cook Korean food for you)<3